


War of Birds and Cats

by Riddlebird-puff (hobbitpuff)



Series: Riddlebird Week 2018 [4]
Category: Batman (1966), Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Gotham (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, M/M, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-08 03:03:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15921500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hobbitpuff/pseuds/Riddlebird-puff
Summary: The Riddlebird crossover inspired by the Catwoman/Tweety Bird & Sylvester comic that I didn't know I needed.When the battle for the universes birds and cats come to Gotham, Oswald and Edward find themselves on opposite sides of the war. Will this be the end of their friendship forever?For Riddlebird week: PetsKnowledge of comic not needed.





	War of Birds and Cats

**Author's Note:**

> This was fun & silly to write. Hope you enjoy it!
> 
> No cats or birds were harmed in the making of this fic.
> 
> Also - Oswald and Edward can only understand their pets in this fic because I didn't want to go thru the trouble of writing Sylvester and Tweety's dialects! 
> 
> Note: the Sirens-Riddler friendship is one of my favorite things ever and I needed Riddler & Catwoman to work together on this so I went with Gotham City Siren's verse for this fic. And I needed Penguin to work with Black Canary so I played with canon.

_‘Riddle me this.’_

 

Oswald was waking from a pleasant dream that included a chocolate mousse and a Riddler that was wearing nothing but the ridiculously green speedos he had worn at the first (and last) Iceberg’s Annual Summer Pool Party.

 

_‘Riddle me this.’_

 

He felt a (not so gentle) peck at his ear and brushed his hand against his ear. “Eddie, not now,” he growled.

 

_‘The early what catches the worm? What am I? Squawk.’_

 

He rolled over and put his pillow over his head. “I know what the answer is not, you birdbrain. It is not penguin, for this Penguin does not even care for worms.” He was going to drown the Riddler in a pool of chocolate mousse for teaching the cockatoo riddles.

 

_‘One cannot exist without the other.’_

 

Oswald lifted the pillow and looked at his fine feathered friend. “What did you just tweet?”

 

 _‘One cannot exist without the other.’_ Eddie sat on his chest and tilted his head.

 

It was the same phrase his Edward had said in the dream right before diving into the pool of chocolate mousse. Of course the simplest explanation was his mind had heard Eddie and put the phrase into the dream. But he felt uneasy.

 

“Did you hear that riddle from Nygma, Eddie?”

 

Eddie shook his little head, something he had never done before. _‘The Enchantress said you would know the answer when the time was right.’_

 

“Dr June Moone came to the Lounge?” The last he had heard the woman who shared a body with the Enchantress was on an archeology dig in China looking for others of her kind who may have survived.

 

_‘The witch spoke to me through the mirror in my cage.’_

 

Oswald was suddenly wide awake.

 

XxxxxXxxxxX

 

 _‘I’m hungry, Nygma.’_ He felt the small feline jump on his chest and start to knead.

 

Edward was waking from a delightful dream that involved a certain Mr Cobblepot and a mattress of cash. (Not that Ed would consider himself a gold digger, he just appreciated the finer things in life which happened to include the Penguin himself.)

 

_‘Wake up. Or I’ll assume you must be dead and I’ll start with your toes.’_

 

He groaned and pulled the blankets over his head. “Always knew you’d eat me, Sphinx.” He paused. Wait a minute.. he pulled the blankets down again. “You know how to talk?” It was too early for this.

 

 _‘I’ve always known how to talk, you just haven’t always known how to listen.’_ The petite Abyssinian cat flicked his tail up.

 

“Why now?”

 

 _‘There’s a war coming to Gotham, Nygma. And you’re going to have to choose a side.’_ The cat jumped to the nightstand, knocking over the clock.

 

“War? What war?”

 

_‘I have nine lives and nine tails,_

_My scratch can give you a fever,_

_If I am indoors I want to be out,_

_If I am outdoors I want to be in,_

_I cannot fly but I am the bane of birds,_

_What am I?’_

 

“There’s only one side that matters, Sphinx, mine,” Edward sat up. “The Riddler never takes sides, it’s how I’ve survived this long. You’ve got the wrong guy.”

 

_‘You’ve already been chosen, Nygma.’_

 

“Chosen by who?”

 

 _‘Me.’_ The cat grinned.

 

Edward was suddenly wide awake.

 

XxxxxXxxxxX

 

“I need a drink for this.” Oswald threw on his robe and walked to the personal bar in his chambers. Eddie flew behind him and landed on the liquor bottle.

 

 _‘You shouldn’t drink so much, Ozzie. The doctor said your health.’_ The cockatoo fluttered his dark wings.

 

“I pay the doctor enough to drink what I want,” Oswald grumbled but grabbed the water instead. Nygma had been on his case to cut down on the drinking and now he had apparently enlisted Eddie in his schemes. “You nag almost as much as your namesake, maybe I should give you to Nygma. I’m sure Sphinx would love to have a new playmate.”

 

Eddie flew to Oswald’s shoulder and nuzzled his neck. _‘We just worry about you, Ozzie. Squawk.’_

 

“I know old feathered friend,” he sighed and rubbed the feathers on his head like the bird liked. Truth was, his other Edward had given him a reason to want to live longer, more than any of the riches he possessed. If only to make sure nothing happened to the green clad fool in his absence.

 

“Cobblepot,” a female voice he recognized all too well called behind him, “we need to speak to you, bird to bird so to speak.”

 

“Sweet Dinah, my favorite birdie,” Oswald turned around and gestured to the bar. “May I offer you a drink?”

 

“This isn’t a social call, Penguin.” The Black Canary gathered the white angel wings that Oswald had commissioned for the songstress’ new act at the Lounge close to her body. “I trust you have filled him in, Eddie dear?” She held out her finger for the cockatoo to land on.

 

“Traitor,” Oswald pointed at the bird. “Not that I blame you. The Canary is a prettier companion than an old Penguin.” He winked at Dinah with his good eye.

 

“Old flirt, you mean,” she fed Eddie a treat from his cage. “I wish you wouldn’t, I wouldn’t want another visit from the Riddler. It would be a shame to permanently deafen him.”

 

“Nygma came to see you?” Oswald turned his back to her to close the window she had left open. “What reason did he give?”

 

“Oh, please, Oswald dear,” Dinah laughed. “You and Edward Nygma are the worst kept secret in Gotham. I wasn’t the only one that noticed how the two of you disappeared during that disastrous pool party last summer. But we’re not here to discuss your relationship with Nygma.”

 

“We? That is the second time you have used that word. And yet I only see one blond bird.” Oswald turned back around.

 

“Tweety, it’s okay to come out,” Dinah spoke to her left wing. “I know the Penguin looks scary but he doesn’t eat birds.”

 

Oswald watched in surprise as a small yellow bird poked his head out. _‘Tweet… tweet… tweet?’_

 

“The Penguin is a friend of birds, and with his resources we need him on our side.” Dinah explained to the new bird.

 

 _‘Tweeet. Tweet. Tweet… tweet! Tweeet?’_ The yellow bird flew next to Eddie and seemed to be questioning the other bird.

 

_‘Ozzie is my best friend. He would never feed me to Sphinx. Ozzie just likes to squawk loud.’_

 

“You can both understand this undersized chicken?” Oswald pointed to the strange bird. “Either you two have both gone crazy or I’m still dreaming and I have a pool of mousse and a Riddler waiting for me.”

 

Eddie chuckled. And the Tweety Bird blushed red and hid his beak in his wing.

 

“Ugh! TMI, Cobblepot,” Dinah shook her wings. “It’s hard enough to look Nygma in the eye after the indecent speedo incident.”

 

“What do you want, Dinah? Get to the point.” He was already feeling a headache coming on.

 

“There is a war coming between the birds and the cats of the universe and there can only be one winner,” Dinah petted the yellow bird on her finger. “The birds need your help Cobblepot, or they will disappear forever.”

 

“That explains why he is here,” he nodded to Tweety. “But it doesn’t explain why you’re here, Canary.”

 

“It isn’t only birds that are at risk, Penguin,” Dinah crossed the room. “Those who have taken birds as their identity are also in danger in disappearing. That includes Canaries and Penguins.”

 

Oswald pinched his long nose. “This calls for something stiffer than water.”

 

XxxxxXxxxxX

 

Edward entered his kitchen to find Selina Kyle opening a packet of tuna for Sphinx and another big black and white tom that he didn’t recognize. Sphinx rubbed against the Catwoman’s leg.

 

“Should’ve known with talking cats the Catwoman would not be far behind.” He moved to the coffee maker. He was actually somewhat relieved that Selina was here, if anyone knew what was going on with the cats it would be her.

 

“You seem to be taking all this in stride, Nygma,” she petted Sphinx.

 

“What can I say, this is Gotham,” he shrugged. “Talking cats isn’t the strangest thing to happen here.” He turned on the machine.

 

 _‘I like it when you come over more than the Penguin, you always bring the good stuff, Oswald only brings me sardines.’_ Sphinx spoke between mouthfuls.

 

“I thought you like sardines,” Ed looked at the feline. “You always eat them.”

 

_‘Penguin’s sardines smell worse than his feet but they’re still better than the slop you give me.’_

 

“You know if you ever change your mind, I would give you all the tuna you could eat,” Selina tickled the cat behind the ear. “No more sardines.”

 

 _‘Tempting offer but Nygma needs me.’_ Sphinx hopped on the counter and started to drink water out of the sink. _‘He would forget to eat without me to remind him.’_

 

“Is that why you’re always bringing me dead things?” Ed asked the cat while pouring a cup of brewed coffee for their guest, leaving enough room for lots of cream.

 

 _‘That’s because I don’t like you Nygma.’_ The feline chuckled.

 

“And I always feed you slop because you leave dead animals on my bed.” Edward handed Selina the cup of coffee. “At least you stopped bringing Oswald dead birds after he threatened to feed you to his penguins.”

 

Selina helped herself to the cream in the refrigerator. She opened the top and drank it from the bottle. Then poured some into the empty water bowl for the large tom cat. And then dumped more into the coffee. “Is Penguin here often, Sphinx?” Selina took a drink with a sly smile.

 

 _‘Too often if you ask me, which they haven’t,’_ Sphinx jumped on top of the refrigerator to look down at Catwoman. _‘Have you ever seen a naked Penguin, Selina?”_

 

“Can’t say I have,” Selina grinned at Edward.

 

 _‘Pray to Bast that you never do,’_ the feline jumped off the refrigerator. _‘Nygma made me promise not to neuter him, apparently he likes his-‘_

 

“One more word out of you and Penguin won’t be the one getting neutered.” He poured some of the cream into his own coffee.

 

“I knew there was something going on with you and Ozzie, Eddie,” Selina chuckled. “Wait until I tell the other Sirens.”

 

“There isn’t anything going on with me and Penguin, Selina.” He took a sip of coffee. “We’re just friends.. enemies, with benefits. Frenemies.” Who had fantastic sex, he did not add.

 

 _‘Frenemies do not give each other foot massages, Nygma.’_ Edward spit out his coffee.

 

“That was one time and you know his feet bother him.”

 

 _‘Last week he cried because he thought Black Canary was sleeping with Penguin.’_ The cat told Selina.

 

“Oh Edward, Dinah has much higher tastes than Ozzie,” she giggled. “Though he does have his charms, a diamond in the rough so to speak.”

 

“You should know, Kyle. Sometimes the rougher the cut the more worth of the gem.” It bothered Edward, the way the other rogues treated Oswald, but he also knew Selina was only teasing like she did. “But you didn’t break in to feed my cat and discuss my partnership with Cobblepot, what do you want from me?”

 

“Who’s to say I want anything from you?” Selina put down the cup in her hands and crossed her arms.

 

“You only come to pay me a visit when you need something, and considering your silent companion over there,” he pointed to the big tom still drinking cream from the bowl. “I’m guessing it has something to do with the cats of Gotham suddenly being able to speak.”

 

“Yes, you’re very bright Eddie,” Selina turned to the strange cat. “Sly, what do you think?”

 

 _‘Meow… meow… mew… mew… meow.’_ The stange cat lumbered it’s large body towards Edward and stopped in front of him with a look on his broad face that suggested disdain. _‘Mew.’_

 

 _‘He might be skinny and pathetic but he’s my human,’_ Sphinx hissed. _‘Watch your tone.’_

 

“I know he doesn’t look like much, and his loyalty is often questionable,” Selina spoke to the cat she had called Sly. “But he can be helpful, when he chooses to be.”

 

“Why can I understand Sphinx but all I hear is a Meow Mix commercial from this one?” He pointed his thumb at the large tom.

 

“It would seem the only reason you can understand Sphinx at all is because he has chosen you for his warrior in the upcoming war,” Selina shrugged.

 

“Warrior? I’m not a warrior. I battle in wits, not arms.” Edward looked back and forth between Selina and Sphinx. “And who is he?” he pointed to Sly.

 

“This cat is Sylvester, he comes from a world much like our own where animals can speak, and he has been sent on a mission to kill his nemesis Tweety Bird or all cats from all universes will cease to exist,” Selina explained.

 

Edward laughed, Selina had to be pulling a prank. It was a good one, he’d give her that. “Have you been smoking the catnip again, Selina?”

 

“It’s the truth, much as I know it is difficult for you to believe.”

 

“Fine, let’s say I believe you,” Edward said. “What’s in this for you? You’ve never done anything altruistic without getting something in return.”

 

“It won’t be just felines that will cease to exist,” Selina held her whip. “Anyone who has taken the spirit of the cat will also be affected, including Catwomen. And I for one don’t intend to go out without a fight.”

 

“I still don’t see what this has to do with me. A riddler is not a cat.”

 

“You’re in this whether you like it or not, Nygma,” Selina picked up Sphinx. “You were chosen to protect your companion. And unless Sylvester here kills Tweety you will disappear with him.” He swore Sphinx winked at him.

 

“It’s only one bird,” Edward sighed, “how difficult can it be to kill?”

 

XxxxxXxxxxX

 

Eddie flew over the battleground, he didn’t like this. Cats and birds, humans and cats, birds and humans, fighting each other, this was wrong. As he watched Oswald opened his umbrella and knocked a small tabby away on the ground.

 

His Oswald would never harm an animal, this wasn’t natural. If only he could figure out what the riddle meant, but he was just a small bird and not used to thinking. What he needed was Nygma, he could figure it out.

 

Wait.. was that… what would Nygma be doing here? Maybe he was here to help Ozzie. That must be it! He flew in for a closer look.

 

Eddie swooped Nygma.

 

_‘Ozzie is here I can take you to him.’_

 

“Get out of here bird, shoo, shoo,” Nygma tried to bat him away with his Riddler cane.

 

 _‘It’s me, Eddie. Riddle me this,’_ he flew out of Nygma’s reach. _‘Riddle me this.’_

 

“Eddie? Is that you?” Nygma looked towards where Black Canary and the Catwoman were fighting each other nearby. “Get out of here before you get hurt. Oswald would never forgive himself if something happened to you. Where is Ozzie? If you’re here… of course he’s here.”

 

 _‘Meet us at the top of that building,’_ he pointed his wing. _‘I will bring him to you.’_

 

“What? I don’t understand.”

 

 _‘Get Penguin to the roof of the building, I’ll make sure Nygma follows,’_ Sphinx leaped on the wall below Eddie. _‘I’m getting tired of this fight.’_

 

 _‘We’ll be there,’_ Eddie flew off.

 

XxxxxXxxxxX

 

“Where are you taking me, Eddie?” Oswald leaned on the stair railing breathing hard. “I think you have forgotten, penguins cannot fly.”

 

 _‘Come on, Ozzie,’_ the cockatoo buzzed around him. _‘We’re almost to the top, you can do it.’_

 

“I’m beginning to think all the birds disappearing might not be such a bad thing,” he dragged himself forward.

 

This whole battle had been nothing but a nightmare and Oswald was not sorry to put it behind him. The last he had seen of Dinah she was fighting Selina and the only way he could be of any help was to stay out of the way. If he were going to die anyway he could think of worst companions than Eddie. Although he was sorry he would not get to see Edward again.

 

_‘Just a few more steps.’_

 

Oswald stopped at the top. “Ed- Edward? What are you doing here?”

 

The former so-called reformed rogue turned around. “Oswald?” Edward rushed forward and took his arm. “I could ask you the same thing. How did you get here?”

 

“I followed Eddie,” he pointed up to the smug cockatoo who was flying above their heads. “What about you? What are you even doing here?”

 

“Selina recruited me, in a sense,” Edward answered. “It would seem Sphinx chose me as his guardian.”

 

“You’re not supposed to be here, Edward,” he gripped his arm. “This isn’t your fight.”

 

“Why, Oswald. Someone might even think you care,” Edward winked at him.

 

“Of course I care, you green feathered booby!” Oswald hit him in the arm with his cane. “This isn’t just a game between birds and cats. There are real _supers_ out there and they mean business. You could get hurt.”

 

“If I didn’t know you were right, I might be insulted that you don’t believe I can go claw to claw with the big supers,” Ed rubbed his arm. “But it isn’t like I even got a choice. Apparently I’m a part of this whether I want to be or not.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I mean when Sphinx named me as his warrior he tied my fate with his, and if he disappears then so do I,” Edward shrugged. “Listen I’ve got nothing against that Tweety Bird but if it’s between me or him, well the death of one small bird must outweigh the death of every cat in the universe.”

 

No. No. No. “Selina didn’t tell you, did she?”

 

“Tell me what?”

 

“It isn’t only the fate of one bird in the balance, Edward. If the cats win every bird in the universe will die, including their guardians,” Oswald answered. “Including the Penguin, why else do you think I’m here?”

 

“That… doesn’t even make any sense,” Nygma frowned. “There must be something we’re not seeing. What is the riddle?”

 

“Not everything is a riddle, Nygma,” Oswald sighed.

 

 _‘One cannot exist without the other.’_ Eddie flew around his head.

 

“I’ve got it-.” Edward snapped his fingers. Only to be suddenly knocked down by a large owl. Eddie swooped down and started to attack the much larger bird while a human figure in wings and an owl mask landed between Oswald and Edward.

 

“We will take it from here, Mr Cobblepot,” the figure brought out a sword. “You’re assistance will not go unrewarded.”

 

Oswald unfolded his umbrella. “The Riddler is mine. And if you want him, you have to get through us.”

 

“You would side with the cats over your own brethren, Cobblepot?” The masked man pointed the sword at Oswald.

 

“The owls are no brethren of mine,” he twisted the handle of his umbrella. “The man behind you is.” Oswald twirled the umbrella causing a gust of wind to shoot out knocking the owl-man off the roof just as Sphinx sprang up and back kicked the owl off of Eddie and Edward. (Both man and bird had wings, they probably landed safely Oswald figured.)

 

Oswald rushed to Edward and dropped to the ground beside him, he held his head in his lap. “Edward?” He was a little scratched up but nothing looked serious.

 

“You saved me,” Edward smiled.

 

“Of course, I had a little help.” Eddie landed on Edward’s chest. And Sphinx rubbed his head on him.

 

_‘Tweet… tweet… Meow… meow.’_

 

“I can’t hear Sphinx anymore,” Edward sat up, Eddie flew to Oswald’s hand. “And I can no longer understand Eddie, I guess the war is over.”

 

“And we’re both still here, I wonder why.”

 

“It’s like Eddie said, Nygma. One cannot exist without the other.” Oswald leaned forward and kissed Edward. “There is no Cobblepot without Nygma.”

 

XxxxxXxxxxX

 

 _‘So that’s how the war actually ended,’_ Sphinx scoffed. _‘Think we should let them know?’_

 

 _‘There is no harm in letting them think it was their love a little longer.’_ Eddie snuggled deeper into the feline’s tail. _‘We never did answer the riddle though, I wonder what it meant?’_

 

 _‘One cannot exist without the other.’_ Sphinx hummed. _‘The answer is obviously cats and birds. Of course they thought it was about themselves.’_

 

 _‘Humans,’_ both bird and cat stated together.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> When I read the Catwoman comic I knew I wanted to do something Riddlebird with the universe. And I got to return to my favorite Riddlebird ship.
> 
> Please leave a comment if you wish! I always love hearing from other Riddlebird fans!
> 
> Do I want to write the pool party? Perhaps. Lol. But it won’t be rated G. Lol.


End file.
